15. Tits-N-Ass

Being kept awake by snatched visions of tits and ass that flash upon the inward-eye (which is the bliss of solitude) each time I close my big blues. Tits and Ass as subjects for discussion between guys my age - they’re normal with a capital ‘N’. But there’s a line, like an innate understanding, and discussing my first wet dream with the guys in the locker-room after football practice… well, that’d be kind of like stepping over it, wouldn’t you say?

Way over it. Oh those invisible lines drawn in the proverbial sand! Whereof one cannot speak, one should remain silent, some philosopher once quipped, or something to that effect.

Sounds like good advice, though.

So, about your dream?

I’m keeping my mouth shut.

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A realisation: not only was I a Wet-Dream-Virgin up until this morning, I’m still a Get-Laid-Virgin. This fact hits me hard. The way most of the guys I’ve heard talk about it, the ‘normal’ and ‘average’ age a young man experiences his first wetdream is in early teens. And sometimes even sooner than that. Mikey would have you believe that he was 8-years old, around the time he started smoking, when he had his first experience (he avoided saying ‘wetdream’). We were out on one of our dice-rolling evenings when Mikey made this claim.

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‘Get outta here!’ Troy laughed mockingly, dismissing Mikey’s absurd assertion with a waving hand.

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Goaded by Pete and me, Mikey reluctantly tells the story of how one time when he was nine and his father was away on business he woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream. Running a high temperature, he shivered as he crept into his parents’ bed in search of comfort. His story was sketchy due to his blotchy memory. His mother was naked and didn’t wake up when he snuggled beside her. He fell into a half-awake half-asleep dream fuelled with images, fever-pitch, in-motion, out-of-focus. He woke up – he didn’t know how long later, but it was still dark outside - to find a ‘sticky warm puddle’ of ‘gloop’ (his words) between his legs. He can’t remember if he cleaned it up himself or not, but the next morning it was gone.

‘If she knew what’d happened, she never let on.’ He reported this proudly.

Troy accused Mikey of ‘telling stories’ again.

‘Hey, I don’t even know why I told you. I don’t give a flying fuck if you believe me or not.’

Sure, he’s strange all right, but that’s just a little too strange if you know what I’m saying, even for Mikey. I believed him. It was easier to believe his weird little story really happened than it was to believe anybody with even the slightest grasp on reality could make something like that up.

Each and every one of the guys who shoots his mouth off claims to have had real sex (speared-the-bearded-clam, dipped-the-one-eyed-Jack, slayed the furry dragon, stuffed the muff - and endless other euphemisms) as opposed to mere ‘oral’, as early as 14, 15 at the latest.

Makes you wonder, don’t it? I’m almost 18.

What’s wrong with this picture?

I wonder.